ALONE

ALONE is the word that best describes me at this time in my life. Living in Camaquã I was surrounded by friends and people ALL THE TIME in my house, and I honestly had had enough of that. Well, now i've come to the complete opposite which isn't so great either. The deepest conversations I have had nowadays are with my 11 month old like: "Let's watch Barney", than go on to sing along the Barney DVD. Or else, "Pumpkin, it's nap time", than go on to hear some tiarsome(sorry, bad spelling) tears from a little girl who doesn't like naps!! I feel the need to have some sort of outlet, but can't seem to have found one right now, and once my husband gets home, he needs to have his time with Little Miss, and once she's in bed, neither of us have the energy to get into deep conversations! Funny thing is that writing this I've stopped to realize how many hours a day I actually spend all by myself!! My husband leaves home for work around 8:30 and has half hour lunch, which I'm SO greatful he comes home to, than he only comes home at around 7:30-8pm. And in the mean time I'm running around the house trying to keep up with my little girl who's climbing everything and crawling everywhere, while trying to keep the house livable. You would think that after spending so many hours alone, I'd be thriving to see people and 'get out there', but I've found that the more time alone I am, the more I want to 'hide', it's just that I haven't had the gutts nor the desire to go out there and talk to people.
Alone is not the only word that describes me now; LOST is a good one too. At the end of the day, i look at the diapers I've changed, the floors I've swepped 'again' and the food I've made 'again' and the time I spent washing dishes and washing and hanging and folding clothes 'again' and the times I had to stop everything to hold a crying baby, and the times I had to feed and bathe and put down for a nap and everything else you have to do with a baby, and it all feels like I'm going in circles, because I know that once I wake up, I'll have exactly the same tasks 'again'. Don't get me wrong, I'm VERY grateful for being able to be the one to care for my little girl and see her growing out of each fase, but should I be satisfied with that and ONLY that>:: I really don't know. It's really hard sometimes to see the big picture of things, like raising a child. The everyday tasks seem to shadow the influence I'm actually having in her life. I know this blog isn't making sense at all, it isn't making any sense to me either. I guess I should just stop here. i don't know if writing down these thoughts really help or make me feel sorry for myself...don't want that!!!